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| HUMOR: The Modern Sumo Military |
| Louis Cannon | 7/12/10 |
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| Back to the News Summaries |
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Increasing rates of obesity among young Americans could undermine the future of the US military, with potential recruits increasingly too fat to serve, two retired generals say.
 "Obesity rates threaten the overall health of America and the future strength of our military," generals John Shalikashvili and Hugh Shelton, both former chairs of the US Joint Chiefs of Staff, wrote in a commentary.
The two generals urged Congress to adopt legislation that would ensure better nutrition in schools, offering children more vegetables, fruits and whole grains while cutting back on foods with high sugar, sodium and fat content.
"We consider this problem so serious from a national security perspective that we have joined more than 130 other retired generals, admirals and senior military leaders in calling on Congress to pass new child nutrition legislation," wrote the commanders, part of a non-profit group called Mission: Readiness.
The warning came amid growing concern that childhood obesity has turned into an "epidemic" affecting a staggering one in three American youngsters.
Well, I don’t know much about obesity myself — I never eat foods with high sugar or fat content unless there’s absolutely nothing else in the fridge — and I exercise at least five minutes a day.
I likewise don’t know much about the military.
But I did wrestle during my freshman year in high school. And as part of my wrestling training, I used to sit around in the evening, eating Hostess cupcakes and reading about famous Sumo wrestlers.
Sumo wrestling a Japanese contact sport where a wrestler (rikishi) attempts to force another wrestler out of a circular ring or to touch the ground with anything other than the soles of the feet.
Many ancient traditions have been preserved in sumo, and even today the sport includes many ritual elements, such as the use of salt purification, from the days when sumo was used in the Shinto religion. Life as a rikishi is highly regimented, with rules laid down by the Sumo Association — and most sumo wrestlers are required to live in communal "sumo training stables" (heya) where all aspects of their daily lives—from meals to their manner of dress—are dictated by strict tradition.
Like I said, I don’t know much about the military, but the part about living communally in stables and having your dress and daily life prescribed sounds a lot like boot camp to me.
So I’ve been thinking lately about a pretty radical idea that I'm pretty sure can solve the U.S. military's problems.
The modern Sumo Army.
America has already got lots of fat kids, and they are, by most accounts, not doing anything useful with their lives. Just sitting around eating Hostess cupcakes, probably.
Why don't we develop a whole Army of fat kids? Can you imagine the terror in the enemy’s eyes, as they see a whole platoon of roly poly soldiers — dressed in tight-fitting loin cloths — charging over the hill, carrying modern automatic weapons and throwing handfuls of salt?
I’m getting scared, just writing about it.
From what I’ve been reading lately, the Obama administration is about to increase funding for child nutrition programs by $1 billion a year over the next 10 years — since we are already spending $75 billion a year on medical costs associated with obesity.
I say, phooey on that nonsense. Just give the fat kids guns and make them live in stables.
And can we think about the millions of dollars we’d save on Army uniforms? Continued...
I'm always in favor of solutions that are "win win." And a modern Sumo Army seems to me a perfect way to make life easier for Army recruiters — I hear it's easier to fatten a soldier up than to slim him down — while taking the stress off the Obama nutritionists — who aren't having much luck getting kids to lose weight, in spite of spending billions of taxpayer dollars.
And on top of everything, we could make our fat kids feel good about themselves. Self esteem and all that stuff.
The only ones who will lose out? America's enemies. |
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